The Empire State meets The Pit

As I mentioned when I introduced you to “The Pit” – I find it very nostalgic hanging around the fire on a Thursday night since this was truly the way we celebrated the end of the week in the little town where I grew up in New York.

Let me give a bit of background for just a moment so that you know where I’m coming from. I was born in Southern Virginia where my father was sationed with the military. When my dad retired from the Navy we moved to a small town in Upstate New York which is about 10 miles east of the city of Utica where he was born. I spent the rest of Junior High and all of High School there and joined the military shortly after graduation. I still today claim NY as my home since my ability to talk like I’m from Southern Virginia left my speech in 9th grade when I was always asked what part of South Carolina I was from.

Traveling in the military for the better part of the last 20 years I’ve had the opportunity to meet lots of people from all over the United States. Foreigners don’t really count in this discussion since I’ve had to explain to so many that New York is in fact more than just the "Big Apple" and there is an entire state that bears the same name. The citizens of the USA that I’ve met in my travels have been from all over the country and in a place like Afghanistan – you always start conversations with “Where you from back home?”.

When someone asks me where I’m from my responses normally go in this order –
Me: Upstate NY.
New Person: Oh really where?
Me: About dead center between Syracuse and Albany.

Now this is where I get one of several responses –
"Damn, that is Upstate NY”
"I've driven on the NY State Thruway"
"You must be used to snow"
“That’s not NY that’s Canada”
“I’ve never been there”
"Do you like hockey?"
“Really, Whereabouts? My family used to go camping in the Finger Lakes”
"What part?"

If I get the latter then I know I’ve met someone that has a clue about the great state of New York. Not too many have ever heard of Mohawk although I recently met someone from West Canada (here in Afghanistan) which was of course as good a "home boy story" as you can get.

That's the little background so now I’ll get back to the main purpose of this post.

I’ve been working with the State Department as sort of a Soldier Diplomat for the last 12 years. Each branch of the military has its own language which normally revolves around acronyms. The State Dept. is no different and they also have their own language and even a few acronyms. For example – POTUS means Visit by the President of the United States, FLOTUS – First Lady of the United States, CODEL – Visit by a Congressional Delegation and lastly GOVDEL – A visit by a Delegation of Governors.

Having been in this business for sometime now I’ve been lucky enough to be the Military Rep to a ton of these visits. I’ve shaken the hands of 2 Presidents, 2 Vice Presidents, had breakfast with William Cohen when he was the Secretary of Defense, have photos with Colin Powell and Madeline Albright from their time as Secretary of State and even ran a control room across the hall from where Monica Lewinsky spent the night in Bonn, Germany when she was working for Cohen (she was a Defense Intern before getting the “bump” to glory at the White House).

This Thursday was a bit different though since U.S. Embassy Kabul was playing host to a GOVDEL including the Governors from Oregon, Idaho, New Jersey and of course my home state of New York. One of the Embassy social coordinators had arranged for the Governors to meet Embassy staff members from their respective states around “The Pit” at about 9:00 PM. The hope was to get the Governors in a more social setting and to be able to enjoy a coolie with those they represent. Governor Pataki arrived right on schedule and since it was extremely cold that evening it kept most of the Big Apple New Yorkers indoors. WIMPS. I greeted the Governor with a warm Kabul handshake and welcomed him to our pit. I offered him a coolie and he gladly accepted a Heineken, even though the Corona was much better.

The Governor asked me where I was from, in which I replied with a diversion from my norm since I expected this man to know - I said I was from Herkimer County and the booming metropolis of Mohawk. He smiled and said “this weather must seem mild to you”. That meant he at least had an inkling as to where Herkimer County was, even if he didn’t recognize the town name. Or maybe he equated the town to the river of the same name which would at least put him in the same ballpark (north of Cooperstown). He asked me what I did and how long I’d been in Kabul. I had originally planned on wearing my uniform but knew I’d be much warmer in something else. I told him I was in the Army and had been in Kabul for exactly 42 days. Our small talk continued and we both commented that it would have been better to be drinking a Saranac as opposed to the import on offer but hey – only a true New Yorker would appreciate that. I wanted to tell him about the Genny or Matt’s Beer Balls by the fires of my youth but I don’t know if he’d have quite “gotten it”. He owns a home opposite West Point on the Hudson River so his concept of New York and mine are just a little different.

The Governor did not stay long and claimed to be still suffering from jet lag. I think it was the combination of Kabul’s altitude, the warmth being emitted from the fire, the cold stinky air around us and the conversation with a mortal like me that made him a bit homesick. He bid farewell to the true New Yorkers assembled and wished me good luck. I told him to keep the Empire State safe and I’d do my best out here.

I of course did not follow suit and hung around the fire until the last Pit fan left for the evening. I think I even took over running the bar around 11:00 since the volunteer had given up and was nearly frozen when he called it a night. I was departing for Bagram at 6:45 the next morning but was enjoying the camaraderie and fire too much to go home to the warmth of my mink blanket. We ran out of wood around 2:00 AM and I made my way back to my “VIP Quarters” with the cash box and someone’s iPOD mounting station under my arms. Tomorrow was going to come much too early but I wasn’t done yet.

I trust everyone that’s reading this so I’m going to tell you a secret about an idea I have for an invention and this trust will ensure that you don't steal my idea and try to market it as your own.

I once saw a mechanism attached to a car near the steering wheel that required the operator of the vehicle to blow into a tube which read the Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) of the blower. If the BAC was clean then the operator could start the vehicle. If the BAC showed any alcohol whatsoever, then the vehicle was inoperable until such time that a sober person blew into the tube. I thought the idea was brilliant and have come up with a variation that I hope to mass produce in child labor factories all over Southeast Asia (that part’s a joke). Anyway, my invention is based on the very same concept as the vehicle ignition breathalyzer but will be attached to any type of telephone the user desires (cell/home/car). If the person attempting to make calls has consumed an amount of alcohol that renders them less than sober, the phone will lock up and not allow a number to be input or a call completed. You see I have 20 years of “drunk dialing” experience and Thursday night (Friday morning) was no different. The problem is what Afghan Wireless Communications Company charges for drunk homesick calls to the United States makes Verizon Wireless seem like an incredible bargain. Lets just say that the marketing ploy of free weekends and evenings is not really necessary in a country with one Cell Company and limited (Kabul) coverage.

The investment in my new invention will pay for itself after one Thursday around “The Pit”. I'm not sure of a timeline until I reach the production phase since I'm still in the conceptual stages but you have to agree - I'm on to something here.

I'm supposed to be on Field Trip Number 4 in the not too distant future (although at the time of this writing we are having our first blizzard of the year that will make air travel impossible) so tune in soon for that report or some other Kabul subject I choose to write about. Until then....

Keep on Keepin On.